What am I passionate about?

I have joined twitter, finally. I resisted for a long time. I basically thought it was another self-promotion tool, which I am, despite being a bit of a blogger, not so fond of. I do enough of the ego boosting on facebook.

Actually, I was inspired by talking to a friend last night about all these ‘webinars’ she was ‘attending’ and about her passion for ‘English Language’. She is an academic and, like many academics, is passionate and focussed on learning more about this one subject. So, she does everything she can to find out about seminars, articles, books and conferences to do with English Language. Including being on twitter and following the latest news and updates within a community of people also passionate about the same thing.

Thinking about it, I realised that many of my passions or interests have been left to dwindle, fizzle out and generally die a slow death in me. I couldn’t even think to list them. This is really sad. I am realising that I need to feed my passions and interests with information, conversations, and active pursuit. So, I joined twitter. I want to keep in touch with what stirs me. I want to develop my thinking about these things, not stay with the same old opinions, grow in knowledge and hopefully this in turn will produce a more fruitful life.

I think it has something to do with almost being a mum and thinking about what kind of mother I want to be. You see so many ‘role models’ or, to put it another way, SUPERMUMs who do everything, seemingly without any stress and still look good. They have a clean house, a healthy relationship with their partner, a job, they are fit and in good shape, they do creative things everyday with their kids, cook amazingly, blog about intelligent things and have a social life! You also see many women who let the mum thing become their whole identity. All they talk and think about is the baby and they think that everyone else is interested in how many time they pooed that day and what colour it was. I don’t want to be either type. And it will take some determination not be like that. Not to give in to the pressure to be a supermum or to give in to the ease of just obsessing about baby. So, this is probably why I am thinking it’s important for me to feed my passions.

Why passions? How is that different from being a supermum? Well, I think it has to do with finding where you get life and motivation. I am made for more than being a mum, I know that. But I also know I am not made for the purpose of fulfilling others’ expectations of me, or of projecting a certain image in my life. I am not meant to live under pressure like that. So, when you look at passions, they come without pressure. They are about what you LOVE. What you WANT. What you DESIRE. And when you look really deep inside, you realise that passions are actually much more deeply seated that just interests and hobbies. They are sign posts to what you were made to fulfil here on this earth. They are unique to you and are God given. So if I work out what my passions are, feed them and grow them, I should be fruitful in the way that only I can be. I will find my unique contribution here on Earth. Thus I will also glorify God by being totally me.

Sounds simple. So, why do I not do this? There seem to be so many obstacles. So many mindsets and lies that we believe about ourselves that place limitations on ourselves. Practical things, weaknesses, distractions, trying to do things on our own, or waiting for others to take initiative, giving up too easily, worrying about what others will think, fear of failure, frustration and disappointments… the list goes on.

The problem is, we are not stationary people. We don’t stay in one place. I my observation, I either move forwards and grow, or I fall backwards, regressing towards old fears and limitations, finally ending up in apathy. So, the need to feed passions, to pursue them with determination and to aggressively fight through the obstacles becomes necessary.

So, I joined twitter. First step to reminding me that there are things deep inside me that maybe, just maybe, might grow into something uniquely fruitful.

Back pain and me: Lessons learnt and hopefully helpful hints

I am not a medical expert in anyway, but I have experienced back pain on a off for the last few years. I have learnt a lot through reading different advice and seeing different experts, but mainly through trial and error. What works for me may not work for you, as all back pain is both complex and very individual. However, I felt that it may be helpful to someone, somewhere to share what I have learnt. I hope it helps. We back pain sufferers must help each other – there is nothing quite like it and all my sympathy goes out to anyone who has to deal with it.

Oh the pain!

There are 2 types of pain in my experience. The first is the acute, short term, spasm type pain, which happens immediately after you have aggravated/injured the muscles/discs/nerves and it is short term. It is scary and you may not be able to move. The muscles are in ‘coping’ mode and want to limit your movement.
The second is the pain that may be more long term and although more dull, achey and less acute, can also be very dilapidating as you might find that there are some things you just cannot do, like sitting for any amount of time, sleeping, standing, etc and it may affect your everyday life. This kind of pain, if left to it’s own devices, can also cause secondary problems like Sciatic nerve pain, weakening other muscles and over using others.

Psychology

• Stress makes it worse – try to relax!
• You can overcome the pain – even if it will be a problem you suffer with for the rest of your life, you will be able to find a way to live with it.
• Just ride out the flare-ups/spasms – let them pass and realise that these are short term.
• Don’t panic!
• Don’t fixate on diagnosing your problem. Backs are notoriously hard to diagnose and generally the prognosis are the same – a mixture of exercise, pain management and lifestyle changes.
• Don’t read too much on the internet and don’t believe that anything will actually ‘CURE’ your pain. Not even the best doctors or surgeons can completely 100% cure back pain.

Exercise

• The best advice I was given was to exercise.
• The recent advice is only to stay in bed/lying down for as short a period as possible.
• During the muscle spasm stage, you may be unable to move, but you should try to move a little more every day. The bed rest should really only last 2-3 days.
• When the worst of the acute pain is over, you should SLOWLY introduce some simple stretches and strengthening exercises – these could be prescribed by a physiotherapist or simple pilates/yoga movements.
• Build up a daily routine slowly and if you do something to aggravate the problem, take note of the exercise that caused it and rest for a day or two. Re-start your exercises slowly again.
• You should do a mixture of strengthening and stretching.
• Generally stretch and strengthen the back muscles, hips, shoulders, glutes, piriformis, thighs, and abdominal muscles. Realise that your back is supported by all of these muscles working together.
• Find the exercises that YOU find helpful. Take note of how you feel at the end of the day after introducing a new exercise – better or worse? Over some time you will develop your own routine that helps your problem.
• Be persistent. Over 6-8 weeks your body will begin to get used to the exercises and it may take 3 months before you find any real difference in muscle strength.
• Running, swimming, cycling and walking are all repetitive exercises and useful in getting your back muscles loose and strong. However, find the thing that does not seriously aggravate your pain. If you are not a strong swimmer, probably best not to swim. However, if the pain is aggravated only slightly after the exercise, try to work through the pain and use a combination of heat and ice to help the muscles to get used to the exercise. Always start gently and build up slowly.

Pain management/Lifestyle changes

• Ice and heat:
When and how you use these is really a matter of preference. Different experts give different advice. Generally, heat relaxes the muscles, but can also aggravate spasms, so work out what you need at any given time. Ice works on 2 levels – it helps the muscles to contract when they have been overstretched or when they are in spasm, and it also numbs the pain. Ice shouldn’t be put straight onto the skin, and shouldn’t be left for more than 20 minutes maximum.
I use ice after running for 2 minutes to relieve any overstretching and at night to help numb the pain while I fall to sleep.
I use heat in the form of a bath to relax the muscles and ease aches at the end of the day. (I found that having a bath at the end of the day was also the ONLY time in 24 hours when I felt fully relaxed and not in pain. This seems extravagant, but relaxation is so important to your recovery and pain management).

• Sleeping:
Sleep is so important to your well being and therefore your recovery and management of pain, it is important to do everything you can to help aid a good night’s sleep. These are the things I use to help me sleep:
1. I sleep on my side in the ‘foetal position’ so having a pillow in between my knees and hugging a pillow helps to alleviate pressure and twisting of the hips and back.
2. The best thing I have ever bought is a memory foam topper for our mattress. Some people try these and hate them, but for me it has been priceless. Again in alleviates the pressure on my shoulders and hips and causes my spine to lie flat when sleeping on my side. I wouldn’t recommend it for back sleepers, but if you sleep in your side, give it a try.
3. The right mattress is important. Mostly people believe that a hard mattress is necessary for good back health, but again sometimes this can cause too much pressure on your body. Find the right mattress for you. Generally, I suppose though, an old saggy mattress with no support is probably going to be a bad idea.
• Sitting:
1. Make sure you maintain good posture – find a chair that has lumbar support or use a pillow to support the lumbar area. Chairs should be at the right height and generally this is what your posture should look like:

2. I use a kneeler chair which helps me to maintain good posture using the strength of my knees and abdominal muscles. But you still have to remind yourself constantly to sit up straight!
3. Limit sitting time. Sitting is an unnatural thing for us to do as humans! If possible don’t sit for long periods of time. Make sure when you have to work at a desk or travel for any length of time that you take regular breaks to walk around and stretch. If you have the option, walk instead of taking the car, stand on the bus and be the first to offer to make the tea!

• Posture
1. We have already talked about sitting posture, but when you are walking and standing it also important and a good opportunity to work on your posture and strengthen the correct muscles to help your back. Your daily exercises should also be encouraging good posture, so over time it will improve and help ease your pain.
2. Generally, I like to think of having a piece of string pulling your whole body up towards the sky from the top of your head. Relax your shoulders down the back of your spine, keep your head facing straight ahead and use your eyes to guide you when you are walking. Tuck your tail bone and abdomen in towards your spine and your chest will naturally puff out slightly. It takes some practice but you will know when you have it right.

• Diet and water
There is a huge connection between what you eat and drink and how it helps your body to cope and recover from anything that has gone wrong. For example, eating less sugar can reduce inflammation, drinking plenty of water helps in numerous ways and dehydration can even be a cause of pain, and many people have even successfully beaten back pain by sticking to a very strict diet of fruit and vegetables for a period of time. Maybe now is a time to take stock of what you eat and how much water you drink and see if it makes a difference.

• Lifting, bending and twisting
How you undertake these activities can literally make or break your back! Remember your back is not supposed to do all the work we expect of it at times.
1. Rule number one in these activities is use the other muscles; thighs, abdomen, glutes. Make them share the load!
2. Rule number 2 is to try to keep your back straight at all costs. This will ensure that it is not put under unnecessary strain.

• Drugs
1. Anti-inflammatories like ibruprofen are great for use when you have a muscle spasm and in the first stages of the acute pain. However, they have horrible side effects, like destroying your liver, so it’s best not to use them all the time. Also, they tend to lose effectiveness after the first few days, as your body may not need this kind of drug anymore.
2. Pain killers may be useful in the very acute stages of pain, but remember that they are not a solution, only an aid to help you get through the pain. I found that many didn’t even do the trick, and something like ice was much better.
3. Muscle relaxants may be prescribed by your doctor. Again, don’t rely on these as a cure, but follow the doctor’s advice.

Experts

• The most useful person I saw was an osteopath – I can’t recommend them highly enough. They are holistic and will give you advice about your lifestyle, as well as work your muscles and correct any structural problems. Their aim is not to have you locked into a series of treatments for the rest of your life, but to help you back to health in as shorter time as possible. They are expensive, but worth every penny.
• See a physio for exercises and massage of the problem areas.
• Surgery and scans should be a last resort. Often these are quick fixes, and many people who undergo surgery still have flare ups and reoccurring problems. They can cause a false sense of security, meaning that you won’t strengthen the muscles, or take care of your posture in everyday life, causing the same problem to return or get worse. As I said before, usually a diagnosis won’t make that much difference to the prognosis anyway.

Thrifty Mama

Here are some things I made from whatever I could find in the house (yes, I am nesting…)

Giving birth

I have been ‘pregnant’ with the idea of hosting a coffee/chat time with some of the mums here in Skopje for a while. They have very few opportunities to meet other mums, to get out of the house and to share their lives with others beyond immediate family. Today I gave birth to that vision. After months of not feeling it was the right time, suddenly I have two wonderful mothers who have caught the vision (as well as having access to a car so they can actually get here), and are inviting their friends along too. Today we discussed the whole giving birth thing (you know; breathing, pain, stitches, pain, hormones, pain, being sick, pain etc) with a deaf woman who is 8 1/2 months pregnant and scared about the birth. She seemed reassured and the mums left with a sense of support and purpose.

This comes at the same time as starting a “girls’ group” (really, we need to get some better names) which came about after lots of prayer and a very encouraging ‘chance’ meeting, whereby the said group happened to all be in the same coffee shop at the same time and got talking about how much they longed for a chance to hang out with other young Christian girls to talk about the issues in their lives and provide support for each other. We had been praying for God to connect these girls for a long time.

Interesting how, when we pray and don’t give up hope, trust God for his timing, things do happen. I do not need to get frustrated, or disappointed, but only keep waiting, actively, for the day when it is time to give birth. And as my friend just told me; you KNOW when it’s time!

Winter Food

So, about this time of year in Macedonia, there is a glut of tomatoes, peppers, aubergines, plums and apples. It is an amazing time to visit the market and pick up kilos of these for next to nothing. The only problem is then deciding what to do with it all when you get home. We had a fun day last Saturday making jams, preserving peppers, making soups and sauces and onion marmalade. It’s good community building too. We have an addition to our household – Bethany, from Virginia, USA. We are enjoying the multi-cultural cuisine and having someone else to bounce ideas off, pray with and live life alongside. We also spent the day with Ana, the wonderful wife of Alek who leads the Glasnost church and mother to the most gorgeous boy in all of Macedonia. Goce and Martina, two teenagers from Glasnost also helped; a great way to spend time with new Christians, sharing life together.

This is Goce crying while peeling the onions!

New life

So, I have not blogged since April. Terrible. I am going to start to try to blog more frequently… about normal life, ideas, anecdotes etc. Here’s a new start, starting with a picture of the new life that is growing inside of me. It’s 5cm long, but already has most of it’s important bits. Amazing.

Also, apparently, this now means anyone can touch my stomach. Even though I don’t even have a bump.

I had a revelation the other day about this being pregnant thing. A while ago Phil and I decided that despite my back pain, we would just go ahead and get pregnant and have a baby anyway. We were not going to let this stop us. God has often spoken to me about the image of being pregnant or a being a mother as a symbol of how I am spiritually. I probably will never really understand all of what this means, but I know it’s about me being someone who carries God’s life in me and someone who gives birth to, and nurtures His life through prayer, relationships and just being me. I realised that despite challenges, pain and obstacles, I AM pregnant and I WILL give birth to new life. It is a fact. This is both physical and spiritual. Despite how I feel some days, despite not feeling pregnant yet, or seeing any physical changes, the truth is, that life is in me and growing. And inevitably I will give birth. That is how it is with us as Christians too. We have life in us, and we will see the promises of God come to pass, even if we don’t feel like it, or even though it feels like it is too painful.

Growing things

I have been getting into gardening. We have a big lawn out the front and back, and we have pots galore. I decided with the summer evenings ahead and the beautiful spring afternoons at my disposal, as well as the time I never had before, that it would be a good idea to at least try to make it look pretty and grow some veg. So, I enlisted the help of the in-laws when they came and we got planting. The seeds have now germinated and popped their little heads up and I am learning as I go along…

And I am having some interesting revelations about our own lives as humans as I learn about how you shouldn’t plant too many seeds for the amount of space you have, how you need to let some things die in order for others to live (I had to massacre a load of rocket seedlings as I planted too many seeds), and about how you need to plant things after weeding or the weeds just grow back.

A day in the life of me

Actually this isn’t the most typical day, as it is rather slower and less interesting than most, (I got up, ate breakfast, had a shower, tried to do some language learning, had a conversation about the prayer room for GDOP, got ready for work, went to work, met some kids to help them with English, made some resources for laminating, sang karaoke with my colleagues - OK, that doesn’t happen everyday – came home, cancelled a meeting due to the heavy rain, ate something, caught up on facebook and now here I am AND I have the whole evening ahead of me) but thought I should rectify the copious amounts of interesting photos and status updates on facebook and be realistic about life here.

I have been inspired by the blog of our good friends John and Armorel Salberg who are documenting their year in Tanzania with a daily blog. It struck me that their blog so wonderfully tells what life is like in Africa by the strange combination of slow pace and crazy interludes. That’s how it is for us here, only less crazy interludes and we are probably less busy!

Truth is, life here is much slower and I am still trying to shake off the pressure to be uber-productive everyday, like I seemingly was in the UK. My question is, does being busy and doing lots of productive things make you more fruitful? Probably not, but I still struggle with the feeling that I was more ‘productive’ in the UK. Just because I was working 50 hour weeks, then having meetings for church things or trying to have a social life and exercise all at the same time, does not mean that my life was more meaningful or more influential. I can meet with some one for coffee, or try to have a conversation in Macedonian, or have people over to our place for dinner, or offer to organise something for the church, or give more time to my husband, and it may well be more of a blessing than anything I was rushing around doing. Maybe it’s not so much about quantity as quality after all.

But part of me knows that the grass will always be greener on the other side.

Easter Saturday

I wasn’t feeling brave, but I went anyway. Thought I would sneak in the back, be 2 minutes late so to avoid the awkward conversation. Leave early. I wanted to mark the holiday with something. To be traditional for one day. To meet with Jesus on the day we remember his death. In English.

My plan failed. The door was at the front, and a heavy door at that. I pretty much fell into the front of the tiny chapel, as the vicar was just welcoming everyone. All turned and gave me wry smiles. Head down, I scuttled to the back. I endured the terrible singing (there was no organ and the vicar did his best to rally the congregation of 20 people to sing up over the cries of the babies). I endured the ‘Lord of the Dance’  hymn and tried to ignore the voice of my mother in my head saying what a silly song it is. And I endured the awkward shaking of hands and ‘Peace be with you’ with the British Ambassador. And God spoke to me. I knew his presence and I thanked God that I know him, that he did not stay dead, and that my story, my little life, is a small part of His story. That the story of Jesus, and my story are connected by those three days that we celebrate at Easter. He made history and I am part of it.

As I walked down the street, enjoying these thoughts, enjoying the clear sky’s display of stars, enjoying the scent of spring at dusk and thinking about Mary Magdalene - would I have been one to go and wait by the tomb?  To lovingly dress his body with herbs? – I heard singing that made my soul nearly burst. I followed it. Turned on my heals, headed in the direction of the heavenly voices as one chasing the sun. Praising God that on this one night in the year, heaven’s song was being sung all over the world, here on Earth, for all to hear. And on the night that he was supposedly dead! On the night that we are supposedly without hope, we sing of hope, of victory and of the power of God to come through.

At the end of my treasure hunt, I found an orthodox church, the Church of St John, lit by a procession of candles. I sat and watched the stream of people to-ing and fro-ing , listened to the chanting and basked in the evening warmth. And to guide me home? Only the cross on the mountain that sits right above my house glistening in the clear sky along with the stars.

Where am I?

Sat on the Balcony

Skopje Spring Sun like Summer Sun in England

Hearing the Macedonian Tongue

Reading Jane Eyre describe the English countryside

Smells like Uganda

The senses tricking time and geography

Maybe I am all the places in my heart.